Wednesday, August 20, 2008 12:38 AM
Lost to time and my sensation...
Yesterday slept at 4am and I woke up at 9.30am but fall asleep till 11am. After I woke up, I do all the necessary stuff then sit on sofa watch show till 12.30pm. After that I sit in front of my laptop, then start to play Viwawa MJ till 7pm. Life is really meaningless, I have degenerate and I really need a lot of time to stand up again. I am not waiting for people to sympathy me; I just need to vent my anger or else I will really mentally and physical breakdown. I can’t do anything to alleviate my soreness inside my heart, so I can only inscribe out my sentiment. I know everyone think that I am silly for doing all these but if I can control then I am a human devoid of any sensation. How I wish IF there is a remembrance wash machine, everyone do not have to gulp down their soreness inside their heart anymore. Human always simply say out the word “IF”, they ever think what the actual meaning of the word “IF”.
“IF” - Informal writing if is the standard in their use to introduce a clause indicating uncertainty after a verb such as ask, doubt, know, learn, or see.
So now everyone knows the actual meaning of “IF”, next time don’t always simply say out the word. However saying the word “IF” is human usual practice. We can’t simply change this habit away. I love to use the word “IF” frequently too, so I don’t have the seniority to ask other to change away the habit.
There are many soreness inside my heart and I don’t think it can easily been relieve out. Does anyone feel the soreness inside my heart? I barely utter everything out to everyone as whenever I say about it, I am absolutely breakdown to the ground of the earth. It is just like many thorns inside my heart, whenever I tell myself to stand up, I got to pull out one thorn. When the thorn is been pulled out, there will always a hole and eventually it will leave an unfathomable scar and it will stay with you forever. No people can understand how many holes will there be and the unfathomable scar will stay with me forever. No matter how I swaddle the scar, it will still been seen by others when times come as it is a evident unfathomable scar.
There are too many “HOW I WISH IF” that I wish to happen again but now it has simply turn into reminiscence.
How I wish if he can hold my hand tight when crossing the road.
How I wish if he can hold my waist tight when I am going to fall in the train.
How I wish if he can hug me tight when I am sleeping.
How I wish if he can feed me whenever I am just lazy to eat.
How I wish if he is always there for me when I am sad.
How I wish if he can cook for me and I feel bless.
How I wish if I can see his face closely and feel his face in the morning.
How I wish if I can see his innocent and cute face.
How I wish if I can stay with him for every moment.
How I wish if I can talk to him whenever I want.
There are still more “HOW I WISH IF” but it is impossible to list out everything. Eventually all these can’t be happen in my life again and it has slowly inverted into a remembrance in my heart and mind. And all these can only happen in my dream and it is really a sweet dream which I don’t wish to wake up forever. However nowadays I can’t sleep well due to my sickness and I also can’t get to sleep. Even medicine got no effect on me. Although I am a independent girl and I look strong, I am totally breakdown this time round. I have lost to the time and my sensation.